i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
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I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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