hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
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I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize