i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize