sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
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It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
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You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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