I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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