Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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