I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You took a bar mat shot.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize