The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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