The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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