i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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