Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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