i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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