he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
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I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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