I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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