Is it because I queefed?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
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Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
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look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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