My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
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You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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