btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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