You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize