Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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