You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize