I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
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I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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BRING THE BAGELS
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize