SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize