i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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