The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need to align my fucking chakras
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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