Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
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Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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