apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
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This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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