between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
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We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
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i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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