Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
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I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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