I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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