I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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