my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
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