I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
