What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
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Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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