ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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