I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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