Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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