i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
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Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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