my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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