Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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