Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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