My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
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There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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