When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
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I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
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