I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
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It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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