that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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