broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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