I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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