dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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