You're my little dorito
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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