The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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