It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
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I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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